I faked an abortion last night.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
