btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
should my penis look like a turkey
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
