its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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