There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
