so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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