sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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