I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
