Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
