does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
