i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
