There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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