Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
