im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
