Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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