please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
