I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
