Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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