I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
