my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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