the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
