So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
