I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize