Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
