two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
