My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
