after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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