so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
