i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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