I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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