i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
