I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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