too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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