shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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