I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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