you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
