He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
