i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
