my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
