Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
