So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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