The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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