if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
