I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
