Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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