Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
