He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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