I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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