tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
