Just fell off a train. Bad.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
