1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
