And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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