Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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