good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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