Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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