this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
YAS. BRING CRAB.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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