I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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