false alarm. still invincible.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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