Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
last night I used snow as a chaser
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