I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
