God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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