Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize