Can i not drive my cunt home
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
